Now, this might get a little personal. Or a lot actually. Parental discretion is advised. Yo, look, look.
When I was 10, shit
I believed I could fly
I would just flap my fucking arms
And try to meet with the sky
And in my mind I’d envision that I was speaking with God
And then I’d chop his fucking fist off and beat him with mine
But this is just a fucking portion of the war with my mind
So I’mma take you fuckers back into the vortex of time
When I was 7
Envision me at the bottom of stairs
And I solemnly swear that this is the truth
No fallacy here
See I was young man
I was just a toddler a kid
And he wasn’t the first to successfully try what he did
He took me to the basement
And after the lights had been cut
He whipped it and sodomized and forced his cock through my gut
See it was weird because I felt like I was losing my mind
And then it happened like it happened like millions of times
And I would swear that I would tell
But they would think I was lying
And now the power that he held was like a beacon in mine
So now I got used to it
I put up with the shit
And now my hate was so volcanically eruptive and shit
But this is nothing ’cause I guess he told his friend what he do
And they ate it up
Shit I was like a buffet for 2
And then it happened in a home where every-fucking-one knew
And they ain’t do shit but fucking blame it on youth
I’m sorry mom
But I really used to blame it on you
But even you
By then wouldn’t know what to do
And now it happened so often that he was getting particular
And I’m more scared every time worked on my speed and ventricular
One night he came home and I was ‘sleep in my bed
He climbed on top of me and forced himself between my legs
He told me,
“Hey ray, I see you like them Popsicle sticks
So put your mouth on my dick
And suck and swallow this spit”
And I was confused
But I was scared
So I did what he said
I had no idea the affect it would have on my head
My heart was pumping
It was thumping with like tons of my fear
Imagine being 7 seeing cum in yo underwear
I know it’s nasty but sometimes I’d even bleed from my butt
Disgusting, right?
Now let that feeling ring through your guts
I thought of offing myself
I thought of killing these niggas
Wanted to take a fucking brick and push their teeth through their liver
Wanted to smash the fucking world and burn its leftover parts
Wanted to rip it out and just
Fucking step on my heart
Then I grew up and I wasn’t within a reach of these men
But that didn’t keep out of motherfucking reach of my sin
And psychologically
I was just as fucked as they come
I was confused
I had to prove
I wasn’t fucked from the jump
I was afraid of myself
I had no love for myself
I tried to kill
I tried to hide
I tried to run from myself
There was a point in my life where I didn’t like who I was
So I’d create the other people I would try to become
Sexuality came into play
And with as scarred as I was
I was extremely scared of men
So I started liking girls
I started starving myself
Fucked up my bodily health
I didn’t wanna be attractive to nobody else
I didn’t want the appeal
Wanted to stunt my own growth
But there’s a fucking reason behind every scar that I show
I never got to be a kid so that’s as far as I grow
My mental state is out of date and that’s as far as I know
My biggest problem was fear
And what being fearful could do
It made me run
It made me hide
It made me scared of the truth
I’m not deranged anymore
I’m not the same anymore
I mean I’m sane
But I’m insane
But not the same as before
I had to deal with my shit
I had to look at my truth
To understand that to grow
You gotta look at your root
I had to cut off the dead
I had to make myself proud
And I’m just standing living breathing proof
Look at me now
I made it through everything
I made you look like a clown
I’m fucking great
Can’t fucking hate you nigga
Look at me now
And I’m just saying this to tell you there’s a way from the ground
The makings of a legend are often hidden in trials
So just be strong
And just move on
And just accept what you can
Because it makes your story better when you read it
The end
There’s a story behind every single scar that I show
I made it out
This a me nobody’s gotten before
I had to open my wounds
I had to bleed ’til I stop
Thanks for joining me here
As I cleaned out my closet
I said I opened my wounds
I had to bleed ’til I stop
Thanks for joining me here
As I cleaned out my closet judge
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