My momma’s harder than a bag if fucking nails The hardest fucking mother in the whole of South Wales You can’t take my pocket money or my last Malteser Cause my mum will beat your ass when she next sees ya A mean clean mother when she’s on a Dyson And she’ll bite your ear off like Mike Tyson If you mess with me or my sisters or my brothers Yours gonna get a visit late at night from my mother
Here’s a little story about a cart like me A kid punched me in nursery Told my mum coz that’s the rules She gripped his father by the family jewels Round kicked his mother at the gates She needs stitches and metal plates She battered the police when they turned up Coz with my mother you don’t fuck
Yo my mother my mother My mother my mother My mother my mother Talking about my mother
Don’t get out of line parking at parking spaces Any queue jumpers she smashes in their faces I never got bullied when I was at comprehensive My mother came down and skewered the bullies on the fences Don’t step to me when you fucking want some My mother’s got a death with like Charley Bronson I think I should say I mean I think I should boast My mother’s got respect from close to close
I bought my mum flowers and TV quick But let me tell you she don’t take shit She’e quite strict I got to admit And you better run if she has a fit So let me just lay it on the table She’s psychotic and quite unstable Don’t get me wrong she’s not that bad Except last week when she stabbed my dad
Yo my mother my mother My mother my mother My mother my mother Talking about my mother
My momma got a nice range of cake Don’t buy snickers gets a cheap Aldi fake I never leave the seat wet coz the toilet’s always clean Got the best three piece suite I’ve ever see I bet you think I’m gonna rap about her in a fight But the fact of the matter is she’s actually polite She don’t take drugs apart from blood pressure pills And watches Antiques Roadshow when she’s looking for thrills
Yo I got something to say That I got a crazy mother from a round the way If there’s a book club yo she’s in it And she can clean a room in less than a minute With aright left right left she’s ruthless She wears dentures coz she’s toothless My mother she’s loved by my mateys She had a wicked perm in the eighties She loves playing bridge and going to choir I’ll probably find her dead one day by the fire At eleven am she’s still in her pyjamas She loves watching Countdown and costume dramas In the afternoon she likes to take a nap But don’t mess with my mam coz she don’t take no crap
Seriously she’s had two hip replacements She don’t like spicy food but she does like museums
Now she’s the type of mother that don’t drive fast She likes to talk about the weather forecast M U M is the way that we are spelling Don’t mess with us or we’ll be telling
Mumma Mumma that’s who we’re telling Mess with my mother your gonna pay the penalty Mumma Mumma that’s who we’re telling She can bake a cake and she doesn’t need a recipe
My mother’s wicked on mother’s day my mother is wicked on birthdays She’s wicked on a Tuesday my mother is wicked on, on Christmas My mother is wicked on new years eve My mother is wicked on any day of the week And you can ask her is she wicked and she’ll say yeah she’s wicked Coz that’s what it is mate Sometimes I give my mother like a hug and a kiss Like all holding squeezing her and all love My mum’s lush and when she’s bit older I recon she could have a purple rinse Or a blur rinse like a proper mother Don’t fuck with her coz she will fuck you up ani’t it