I know that I’ll get through it But I’m having a hard time I’m back inside the room I once left And now there’s nowhere left to hide From my own mind
I’m settling back in But I ain’t sure I’m one who likes Settling
So for now I will pretend
When I awaken, I am vacant Personless, a slug A fungus, a canvas, a rug Limbs upon bone and blood Tissue and muscle sore From the day before A mindless body bag That begs to stay at rest
Then suddenly in a short moment That familiar survival ping, Trained to associate with the lessons of my memory Convinces me, abruptly That I am a personality Held accountable to a life That I don’t have a chance to choose to be
LoyalTy to lists of responsibilTies Become the map to a mirage of productTivity A web of many hours that write up a story That I remind myself each morning, and suddenly
And suddenly The tasks begin The friends march in The options for breakfast breed the same indecision My clothes are a fossil of predisposition And like so many, money becomes my religion
The story of who I am The one I’ve been taught This path that I’m on The parts that I bought I follow it fiercely, I swallow it up In the seconds through which I decide to wake up
In mere quick whips, I relearn behaviors long associated with my ego Voices and talents, Ways I’ve learned or practiced throughout the years Choices and habits, Facts, doubts, and fears. It all rushes back. Like blood post-turnakit. And right away I forget I forgot all of it ever at all
I become Ryan, the formed thing The Crafted identity Ryan. What people rely on. Loyalty Responsibility becomes my name.
Could I be a recluse on constant vacation? Live in a cave or a subway station? Decide to only survive the day I face
And what does that do the people I’m tied to? Who’d worry and sooner decide for some kind of intervention To tell me I’m wrong and they’re right And despite all the science I’m not just a slug or a fungus or rug I’m not just a body bag born from the mud And I’d say that they’re wrong I’d say it but still go along I’d say it but still go along
I’d say it but still go along
I know that I’ll get through it But I’m having a hard time I’m back inside the room I once left With all the clothes I’d left behind
But I’ll be fine I’m settling back in But I ain’t sure I’m one who likes Settling